


At The Wall

by DizzyDrea



Series: Reflections [2]
Category: JAG
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-01
Updated: 2010-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DizzyDrea/pseuds/DizzyDrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac’s thoughts the day before her wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At The Wall

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song _Why They Call It Falling_ by LeeAnn Womack. Good song…anyone unlucky in love can see themselves in the words she sings.
> 
> JAG and all its particulars is the property of Donald P. Belisarius, Belisarius Productions, Paramount Television, NBC Productions and a lot of other people who aren't me. I'm doing this for fun and for practice. Mostly for fun.

~o~

I don’t know why I’m here.

That’s not true. I know why I’m here: I’m here because I needed someplace to think, someplace where no one would bother me. I just don’t know why I chose to come here to think. Maybe because I needed to be near him, or something that reminded me of him.

So I’m here, sitting in front of The Wall, staring at the letters, the names, but not really seeing them. Well, maybe just one. The one so like his.

I remember when he first told me about his dad. He looked like a lost little boy, and I guess he was. Somewhere deep inside he still needed his daddy, and that’s what his search was all about. And I remember the look on his face when he found out that his dad was gone. It broke my heart to see him hurting like that, to see all his dreams dashed with one word.

But he moved on. Somehow he got it together and moved past all the pain. He mourned his father this time, like he’d never done before, and then he moved on. It’s one of the things I admire about him: his ability to accept what has happened and then move on.

I, on the other hand, seem to drag my past with me wherever I go. I suppose it’s unrealistic to think that I could just leave my alcoholism behind and never worry about it again. Unfortunately it will always be a part of me. So will the abuse I received from my father. So will being abandoned by my mother.

I guess that’s why I want to get married. I want the stability a marriage will offer. And I want to have children. I want to give them the life I never had. I want to share with them what being loved really means. All that starts with the love of a good man.

And I have that. So why am I here, thinking about someone else? Why am I upset because the most important person in my life won’t be at my wedding tomorrow?

Okay, that came out wrong. I’m supposed to be marrying the most important person in my life tomorrow. But when I close my eyes and imagine the moment when I look into my groom’s eyes and say “I do,” it isn’t Mic Brumby’s eyes I’m looking into. No, the eyes I see are deep blue pools, mesmerizing, hypnotizing, enchanting. But they definitely aren’t Mic’s.

That’s not a good sign.

Maybe I’m thinking about him because of the note he left me. He apologized for not being there for me on my wedding day, but in light of everything we’ve said to each other recently, he felt it was better if he just didn’t come.

He also told me that he meant every word he said that night at my engagement party, lousy timing or not. But instead of being angry with him for choosing the wrong time or place to make such a declaration, I could only feel…sad, lost, alone.

He is the one person in my life that I could depend on. He’s been there when things have been at their worst, and he still cares about me. He knows all about my past, but it doesn’t seem to make a bit of difference to him. He says it’s because we all have things in our past that we’re not proud of, and that no one can stand in judgment unless they are perfect, and he knows he’s not.

And now, when I need him the most, he’s not here. I thought I had put away all my feelings for him. I thought that I had gotten over him. I thought I had fallen in love with Mic. But when I think about love, I think about Harm.

That’s not good either.

Mic does and says all the right things. He compliments me, encourages me, makes me laugh, holds me when I’m down. And he tells me he loves me. Often. When he first came to DC, I felt lighter than air. I was proud that he would choose me. When we would go out, I would see the other women staring at him and I would think ‘Back off, girls. He’s mine.’ And that felt good to say.

But the closer I got to Mic, the farther I got from Harm. He used to have a smile that was reserved only for me, that I never see anymore. He would touch my arm when we were talking, and I miss that. He always had a hug for me when I needed one, but not anymore. I felt at home with him in a way that I’ve never felt with anyone else. Now we barely speak, and when we do it’s impersonal, stilted, uncomfortable.

I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. And maybe I have. But isn’t Mic supposed to be my best friend? Isn’t he supposed to be all I need? Trouble is I’m beginning to see that he isn’t all I need after all. And I don’t know if I can marry him when that’s what I believe. I don’t know if I should marry him until I believe that.

Fine thing to say the night before your wedding.

I’m looking at the Wall, seeing the name of a man taken too young in life; a man who loved a woman with his whole heart, who had a woman that loved him with every fiber of her being. And suddenly I see what I should have seen a long time ago. No love is perfect, and love will last forever only if you want it to. But it doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen without a lot of work.

I don’t know if I’m ready for what comes next. But love is.

~Finis


End file.
